Ok, this is an old story I worked on well over a year ago, and about 3 months ago i rewrited the chapter, I've gone through a bunch of stories i wanted to write and decided to choose to rewrite this one.
I know I'm not that good of a writer, so feel free to use your criticism and correction. Enjoy.
[pre]Chapter 1
Every fairy tail begins with these famous words, once upon a time. These words begin great legends and happy endings. Well let me tell you this, there isn’t going to be a princess to be saved, there wont be a happy ending, there isn’t a happy fairy tail. Enjoy.
Charles stood in front of the black water of burcach lake well know as ’death follow’s. The mist slowly dissipated as the guards spotted him. There wasn’t a living thing near the lake, everything had shivered up and died. And at the moment, he fell in. And when his kind falls in he endures the same fait of the dark elfs that are damned to infernal hell the second they step on earth.
Dark elf’s are the cursed second life of the joy some high elfs. Every day they have a smile of their face and wake up knowing that they second they die they are to endure the same fait as every other elf. In their fiendish hell, they are to endure they ever worst nightmares. Torn to pieces and sitched back to geither by each and every single fear they long wished to never come true.
That all happened when the eldest night elf, Icaag Darkvictor killed the dragon, Nim icerage who was raised by the dwarfen king. Icaag then bathed in its blood in victory, an old tradition for that time. After that day, he and everyone of his kind was cursed into a terrible damnation. After that the high elves refused to believe it. They spent everyday living out their kind and joyful lives, but they still knew what was going to happen the day they die.
When he fell in he couldn’t take the pain, his skin burning away layer by layer. His bones felt like they were being turn apart and crushed back together by a troll and stuffed back in a hurry, his eyes were blinded by blood, he could feel spiders and insects crawling in and out of his skull.
Charles quickly burst out of the water as faster as he could and ran out of the lake, running as far as he could. For nearly an hour he ran and didn’t stop, forgetting about the guards. He stopped running the moment he noticed something, he was lost. He fell to his knees. The pain wouldn’t go away, it was driving him crazy. His mind played terrible tricks on him, making him attack himself, but then he heard a whisper that told him what to do.
“Kill the first person you see.” it told him.
He nodded vigorously, completely moronic. Blindly reaching for the first rock he could get his hands on, he stood up, beads of tears and sweat poured down his dark skinned body.
“The first person.” he mumbled under his breath, walking deeper into the dense jungle.
Charles eventually knew where he was, and when he did, it brought him two seconds of joy. He knew an old hermit who lived here. Right by here. But the second that thought came up, bolting rain poured down and blinded him. He continued the up the small path he was on, unknowingly wondering off.
He had walked for what seemed like a day. The rain had only gotten worse, it seemed like it was going to flood, but it never did. Charles reached a small cave, or what seemed like what was a cave. It was hard to tell. Charles walked in, the pain had no longer bothered him, in fact he began to become addicted to it. For two hours he had walked in the dark. Until the found a large stone body sitting on a large chair. His demonic pet sitting next to him.
It man looked just like- let me first tell you an old story before I explain. Long ago, before there was any order, any law, any rules. Man had become cruel and evil. Most people were Tortured and killed by each other, and the ones that lived were the ones that were the most deleterious.
There weren’t any guards, no kings, nothing. Eventually there was a king, but nothing had changed. The guards were bribed to not put them in jail, the king spent all day watching the indigent families beheaded for stealing a loaf of bread to keep the children alive.
Eventually their tolls had caught up with them, and their price was paid. The dead and the living became one. Light and darkness. But it was always dark, dark enough not to see two feet in front of you. That’s when they came, dark creatures unbearable to describe. Some people say they saw people die just looking at them. They came from everywhere, the trees, houses, the ground, the darkness.
Four seven whole years the entire world was covered in pitch darkness. These creatures began to slaughter everyone within a hundred feet from them. It was cause, no one would fight back, they just ran and hid. Until one man finally fought back, but not in bravery, but fear of death. He took a bow from the house he had taken shelter in and snuck up behind the first one he could find and wrapped the string of the bow to the creatures neck until it fell limp.
For a moment there was hope, after that he started a resistance, and for twenty years they waged for on them. No one knew how it happened, they could barely even see. It was the pitch darkness was the evil that had surrounded them whole. Their evil. They’re crackling laughter of pain and suffering had brought them themselves death. And when they knew that, when the world had enough of this. It stopped.
Twenty years later they finally got back to order, this time, a real order. The emperor was that very man that saved all those people, Siegfried. And what Charles didn’t know, he was his ancestor. Charles stood up, he wore what a normal man would wear in his time, old used up clothes. He was five foot six and his hair was long and black, and by his appearance he looked about twenty two.
He stared at the cold dead statue, the mans face looked identical to his. Including the hair. It was a very awkward moment for him. Charles quickly drew his attention off when he heard an old man scatter away from him. This was his chance. He thought in his head as he followed the voice.
Charles could hear the man speak to him, scattering away further into the small cave. “No! Leave me alone!” he shouted.
His cries for help wouldn’t help him Charles thought. He ran towards him until he could see the old man. Charles quickly raised up the rock he continued to hold and bashed the rock on the olds man head, knocking him to the rough ground. Charles jumped on top of the man and began to repeatedly batter the old man with the rock.
After about ten minutes he stopped his onslaught against the poor helpless man. The little mans body was covered in blood and giant bruises. Charles shifted off the man and started at his dead corpse as the pain went away.
To him it wasn’t a loss to kill a man. As a thief Charles was use to doing the cruel and selfish to live and get his way. In a way like a small child if you think about it in a disturbing way. Charles anchored himself up and just took one last glimpse at the man and walked out of the cave. Dropping the rock right before he left the entrance of the cave. A little bit of blood dripped from his hand from holding the rock so tight for so long.[/pre] 
Sorry, but as clearly stated in the rules which you probably should have read, you need to do at least two critiques before posting a story, and then maintain this 2:1 ratio or higher continuously. Please do this now, and then I'll crit this properly.
Ajuntah pall wrote:[pre]Chapter 1
Every fairy tail begins with these famous words, once upon a time. These words begin great legends and happy endings. Well let me tell you this, there isn’t going to be a princess to be saved, there wont be a happy ending, there isn’t a happy fairy tail. Enjoy. I really don't think you need this paragraph. It kind of ruins the rest of the story. Take it out and start with the next paragraph
Charles stood in front of the black water of Burcach lake well know as ’death follow’s. what is known as death follow's? The lake? the water? clarify and reword this sentence. The mist slowly dissipated as the guards spotted him. There wasn’t a living thing near the lake, everything had shivered up and died. And at the moment, he fell in. And when his kind falls in he endures the same faitfate of the dark elfs that are damned to infernal hell the second they step on earth.
I found the end of this paragraph kind of confusing. Try to tell your readers exactly what's going on. It to me a second to figure out the guards were after Charles. Maybe you should have them yell out "There he is" and then Charles hesitates before jumping into the lake because he has no other way to escape.
Dark elf’s are the cursed second life of the joy some high elfs. Every day they The dark elves or the high elves? have a smile of their face and wake up knowing that they second they die they are to endure the same fait as every other elf these two sentences were kind of confusing. Try to reword and be more clear and specific about what you are talking about. In their fiendish hell, they are to endure they ever worst nightmares. Torn to pieces and sitched back to geither by each and every single fear they long wished to never come true.
That all happened when the eldest night elf, Icaag Darkvictor killed the dragon, Nim icerage who was raised by the dwarfen king. Icaag then bathed in its blood in victory, an old tradition for that time. After that day, he and everyone of his kind was cursed into a terrible damnation. After that the high elves refused to believe it. They spent everyday living out their kind and joyful lives, but they still knew what was going to happen the day they die.
When he fell in he couldn’t take the pain, his skin burning away layer by layer. His bones felt like they were being turn apart and crushed back together by a troll and stuffed back in a hurry, his eyes were blinded by blood, he could feel spiders and insects crawling in and out of his skull.
Charles quickly burst out of the water as faster fast not faster as he could and ran out of the lake, [s]running as far as he could[/s]. For nearly an hour he ran and didn’t stop, forgetting about the guards. talk about how he feels as he runs. Is he tired, is his heart racing? He stopped running the moment he noticed something, he was lost. He fell to his knees. The pain wouldn’t go away, it was driving him crazy. His mind played terrible tricks on him, making him attack himself, but then he heard a whisper that told him what to do. You are telling too much in this passage. By saying that I mean you need to show your readers what is going on, how he feels, what he sees, his emotions etc.
“Kill the first person you see.” it told him.
He nodded vigorously, completely moronic. Blindly reaching for the first rock he could get his hands on, he stood up, beads of tears and sweat poured down his dark skinned body.
“The first person.” he mumbled under his breath, walking deeper into the dense jungle.
Charles eventually knew where he was, and when he did, it brought him two seconds of joy. How does he figure this out? He knew an old hermit who lived here. Right by here. But the second that thought came up, bolting rain poured down and blinded him. He continued the up the small path he was on, unknowingly wondering off.
He had walked for what seemed like a day. The rain had only gotten worse, it seemed like it was going to flood, but it never did. Charles reached a small cave, or what seemed like what was a cave. It was hard to tell. Charles walked in, the pain had no longer bothered him, in fact he began to become addicted to it. For two hours he had walked in the dark. Until the found a large stone body sitting on a large chair. His demonic pet sat next to him.
[s]It man looked just like- let me first tell you an old story before I explain[/s]. Long ago, before there was any order, any law, any rules, man had become cruel and evil. Most people were Tortured and killed by each other, and the ones that lived were the ones that were the most deleterious. Instead say: People were barbaric. They tortured and killed each other. The ones that survived were the most deleterious.
There weren’t any guards, no kings, nothing. Eventually there was a king, but nothing had changed. The guards were bribed to not put them in jail, the king spent all day watching the indigent families beheaded for stealing a loaf of bread to keep the children alive.
Eventually their tolls had caught up with them, and their price was paid.[color=red] Explain this more. I don't really understand what you are trying to say here. The dead and the living became one. Light and darkness. [s]But it was always dark, dark enough not to see two feet in front of you.[/s] That’s when they came, dark creatures unbearable to describe. Some people say they saw people die just looking at them. Instead say: Some people died just by looking at them. These horrible beings came from everywhere: the trees, houses, the ground, the darkness.
Four seven whole years the entire world was covered in [s]pitch[/s] darkness. These creatures began to slaughter everyone within a hundred feet from them. It was cause, no one would fight back, they just ran and hid. Until one man finally fought back, but not in bravery, but fear of death. He took a bow from the house he had taken shelter in and snuck up behind the first one he could find and wrapped the string of the bow to the creatures neck until it fell limp. What exactly is the point of this story? It feels as if you are getting sidetracked. Is this what's going on in your main character's mind? Specify.
For a moment there was hope, after that he started a resistance, and for twenty years they Who do you mean by they? Make sure your pronouns are clear. waged for on them. No one knew how it happened, they could barely even see. It was the pitch darkness was the evil that had surrounded them whole. Their evil. They’re crackling laughter of pain and suffering had brought them themselves death. And when they knew that, when the world had enough of this, it stopped.
Twenty years later they finally got back to order, this time, a real order. The emperor was that very man that saved all those people, Siegfried. And what Charles didn’t know, he was his ancestor. Charles stood up, he wore what a normal man would wear in his time, old used up clothes. He was five foot six and his hair was long and black, and by his appearance he looked about twenty two.
He stared at the cold dead statue, the mans face looked identical to his. Including the hair. [s]It was a very awkward moment for him[/s]. Charles quickly drew his attention off when he heard an old man scamper away from him. This was his chance. He thought in his head as he followed the voice.
Charles could hear the man speak to him, scattering away further into the small cave. “No! Leave me alone!” he shouted.
His cries for help wouldn’t help him Charles thought. He ran towards him until he could see the old man. Charles quickly raised up the rock he continued to hold and bashed the rock on the olds man head, knocking him to the rough ground. Charles jumped on top of the man and began to repeatedly batter the old man with the rock.
After about ten minutes he stopped his onslaught against the poor helpless man. The little mans body was covered in blood and giant bruises. Charles shifted off the man and started at his dead corpse as the pain went away.
To him it wasn’t a loss to kill a man. As a thief Charles was use to doing the cruel and selfish to live and get his way. In a way like a small child if you think about it in a disturbing way. Charles anchored himself up and just took one last glimpse at the man and walked out of the cave. Dropping the rock right before he left the entrance of the cave. A little bit of blood dripped from his hand from holding the rock so tight for so long.[/pre]
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